I don't usually arrange sex via text message
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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