so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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