hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
