You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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