that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i was born a porn star she said
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
