omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
