What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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