I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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