i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
too bad you live with your parents still
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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