I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
