Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
