my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
