don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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