I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
