So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
