If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
