I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
