I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
