Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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