She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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