My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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