You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
