I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
