if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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