I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
