did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
