Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
