that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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