The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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