I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
