I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He told me they were just razor bumps!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
