I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
