I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
