In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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