I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
