From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
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He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
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Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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