I got chris browned last night
Screwed.edu
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
