I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
