Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
