Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
