dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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