I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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