Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
