the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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