It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
