Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
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We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
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While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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