I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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