Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
