Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
