I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
