I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
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Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
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The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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