I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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